The Singing Sword

        Many years ago, in Scotland, there lived a brave warrior called Gordon. One day, when he was out fishing in the loch, a golden eagle swooped down on him and dropped a beautiful sword into his little boat. So sharp was the sword that it made a big hole, and the little boat sank, but Gordon managed to grab the blade in his teeth and swam ashore to safety.
        It was then he found that his new sword could sing! It had a marvellous, baritone voice, and it knew any song that Gordon could think of asking for. If he wanted a sad song, it sang a sad song. If he wanted a funny song, it sang a funny song. If he wanted a love song, it even sang a love song - it was that good.
        Gordon made a lot of money by taking the sword to local highland inns, where it would sing requests all night.
        "Just think how much more money we'd make if I had a musical instrument to accompany you," he said to the sword.
        "Only if you buy the best. I won't sing with all the rest," sang the sword, to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star".
        So off they went to Edinburgh, where the world's greatest musical instrument maker lived.
        "As luck would have it," said the instrument-maker, "I have just perfected the finest musical instrument that the world has ever heard. Indeed, I'm so convinced it'll sell by the cart-load that I'm making 5,000 of them at once. I only have to put in the tuneful bits, and then anyone can create beautiful music. It'll be easy!"
        Hearing this, the singing sword jumped from Gordon's hand and cut the instrument-maker clean in half.
        "If it got so easy, where would that leave poor me?" sang the sword, to the tune of "Happy Birthday To You".
        "Bother," said Gordon, somewhat annoyed. "Now we'll have to sell all 5,000 of these new instruments to pay for the instrument-maker's funeral." He picked up a small, spoon-shaped piece of wood. "It's a pity he didn't put in these tuneful bits, though. They're probably quite important."
        The tuneful bits were actually very important.

So

That's why bagpipes sound so awful.

Illustration by Roy Bartle
Image size: approx. 25K.